kimblog

am i vocally dyslexic or just tone def?

2011-02-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

for xmas my roommate got me a karaoke machine, nothing outrageous, just a small simple machine that hooks up to the tv or a monitor, it's very similar to an old school cd player, in fact that's pretty much all it is, but with mic inputs and cd-g reading capbilities.

the guy she was seeing at the time gave me a binder full of cd-gs burnt from the internet, it's an odd selection of songs but it's a damn good start of a collection. so needless to say i've been spending a lot of time singing and dancing in my living room lately. i've been really trying to find my own voice, and realizing that i'm really not very good. my roommate said to me one day "you almost sound like you're tone def, but you make it work." which totally doesn't surprise me, i've actually thought this before myself. it's like i know how i should sing something, but when it comes out of my throat it goes off in the opposite direction. is it possible to be vocally dyslexic? that would explain my frequent verbal diarrhea, my gibberish non-senseical ramblings that often occur, one of the many reasons i'm so socially awkward, the fear of carrying on a conversation when some days nothing i say comes out properly or in the correct order.

it's hard to feel confident finding my own voice when my own voice is so hard to find. there are days my voice feels stuck in the back of my skull, stifled and locked at the top of my spine, escaping through my face and nose and not my throat, but then i remember to breath and let the sound start in my guts, flow through my lungs and past my lips...but even then it doesn't always sound good, unless i'm singing guns n roses, then i totally rule.

"i can hold a note a long time, hell, i can hold a note forever, but after a while, it's just noise..."

-Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan

2010 can suck it

2011-01-01T16:59:00.000-08:00

i didn't have the greatest year last year, let's be honest, but i got some funny stories out of it and i'm still here, so by no means am i complaining. people keep telling me things happen for a reason, so here i am 2011, let's see what happens...

i started the year off well at soybomb's nye party, i helped out some friends, got drunk for free, got high with old pals, enjoyed some really awesome live music, and took some rad photos...

i'm amazed at what i can accomplish while blackout drunk

2010-12-30T14:20:00.000-08:00

i mean, beyond making a complete fool of myself and ruining any and all chances with most guys i've ever been infatuated with, i'm pretty impressed with what i can pull off while blacked out. muscle memory is amazing, i know when i sing drunk, i never worry about what the lyrics are or what's coming next, because i instinctively know. same with riding a bike, some days i wake up and wonder how i got home, i rush to the window to make sure my bike is out front on it's post, and it always is. the brain is a remarkable thing, even after ten shots, and a bunch of beers, i'm still able to perform responsible tasks, even if i don't remember doing so the next day. on that note here are some pictures i don't remember taking

Black Swan <-- the feel crazy movie of the holidays

2010-12-21T14:55:00.000-08:00

last thursday i woke up from a dream that i was eating a never ending plate of pancakes. i never order pancakes, but the dream was so vivid and delicious i went out and got some, pancakes that is, i couldn't even finish one, they were huge. afterwards i went and saw Black Swan by myself. the movie made me feel crazy. i rode home, totally out of my mind, swan lake playing in my brain, embracing the tears streaming down my face from the cold wind. i got home and wrote my last blog entry, inspiration hits me in many forms and sometimes i just need to vent.

i was feeling super sleepy but went out to Shameless Karaoke at Double Deuce anyway, i blew some minds by channeling Gwen Stefani, and got all sorts of fist bumps. after, i hit up Midpoint and got insanely drunk, thanks to the prettiest, raddest bartender there is.

when Andrea and I got home we debated where to get eats, Sangs or Sneaks. Sangs is close, but always makes me want to puke, so we walked on over to Sneaky Dee's for the best late night burritos in all the land. it truly was the best idea ever, really. all in all, it was a fantastic day, i need to start going to the movies more often...

i think my holga 135 tim (half frame camera) is haunted. this last roll it took all sorts of pictures on it's own, i'd advance the film to the next frame and the flash would go off, this has happened before, but never did it actually take a picture, this roll around it did, so weird.

it's called a B.B.C. (bacon, bread and chicken sandwich)

2010-12-16T15:36:00.000-08:00

i spend a lot of time alone. i like the quiet. i like being alone with my thoughts. i enjoy the company of me. lately i've been trying to get out more, make friends, have new experiences, because when it comes down to it, i don't want to die a lonely old hermit.

it's hard though, being as socially awkward as i am, showing up places, getting drunk, putting my foot in my mouth. i hear the question 'who are you here with' all the time, even in my dreams, and my answer is always the same, it's just me.

last night as i was settling into a large sandwich with a side of poutine at 2:30am, in a booth, by myself, an old friend slid in across from me and asked why i looked so depressed. i hate that question. just because i don't wear a smile on my face all the time doesn't mean i'm depressed. far from it actually. oh i'm sorry, just because i'm sitting alone with a huge poutine and a sandwich with no veggies that makes me some sort of depressed loser in your eyes?

i do things alone all the time, i like doing things alone. i eat alone, i sleep alone, i ride alone, i cum alone, i dance alone, i sing alone, i laugh alone, i cry alone, i shop alone, i even go to the movies alone. if i want to do something, i do it, i don't need someone there to hold my hand. don't get me wrong, it would be nice to have someone to hold hands with. very nice, but until i meet that someone who wants to do those types of things with me, share, and laugh and love, who wants me for me... until then, i'm completely fine going it alone.

but honestly, the people in my life are amazing. they inspire me beyond words, and i would be nothing if i was forever alone.

”just because we don’t get to spend every waking moment together like some kinda BFF’s doesn’t mean i dont treasure the moments we get. you guys all rule. and if we had the time we could construct something monstrous. seriously though… monstrous. its kind of scary all the energy you all have…” jay ofdeath

soybomb is a magical place, full of inspiration
and boozy good times

2010-12-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning to what i thought was my cats fighting on the end of my bed, it turned out to be my sweet baby Hank Scorpio having a seizure. I had no idea what was going on, i was terrified, half asleep, i kept saying his name trying to snap him out of what i thought might be a violent nightmare, all the while thinking he was dying in my hands and i was completely helpless. My sweet little living teddy bear was dying and all i could do was say his name over and over again. i would be crushed if i lost my little snuggle buddy. i mean Frank Grimes is cool, but he's like too cool. He won't snuggle and hold hands he's kind of a jerk that way. after a little while Hank seemed ok, but he peed the bed so i had to go wash the sheets. poor little guy, i'm worried about him, i wish i could take him to the vet, but if i had money to take my cats to the vet, i'd be going to the dentist to get my teeth holes fixed.

oh also, i got my Holga35 Tim finally, half frame pictures!

Cheers to Movember

2010-11-30T13:24:00.000-08:00

Another month comes to an end, I sure will miss all the lovely facial hair. I hope some of the hotter staches will realize how dapper they look, and keep em so maybe I can get some hot Mo action in the month of December, but I doubt I will, cause of this Bad Obsession of mine

"can't stop thinking, thinking bout sinking"

"i already left you, and your better off left behind"

"but i can't stop thinking bout doing it one more time"

I can't get this GnR song out of my mind, I want to sing it at karaoke, or do a cover of it in my non-exisent band.

I got a new camera in the mail today, so excited for half frames! It should be a while before I'm done the roll of 36(that came with the camera) so until then, enjoy these

pictures!

grasp the source of power

2010-11-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

i love when things work out the way i hoped they would, like this picture for example

i did two long exposures to make this double exposure. i used a laser pointer to spell Buffy on my wall, then paused a frame of the fourth season episode Primeval to capture Buffy infused with the power of Xander, Willow and Giles.

great work.

bored now

2010-11-23T11:01:00.001-08:00

i wake up every morning, err, more like afternoon, and all i want is beans and rice in my face. fuck i would kill for a Burro Favorito from Sneaks right now, so god damn delicious.

i could eat beans and rice for every meal. just keep your crazy broccoli and carrots out of my burrito, that's not cool man. green beans and mushrooms on the other hand, that just might work.

i've been missing purchasing coffee drinks from establishments, but i know i'm saving lots of money by not doing so. I bought a thing of flavoured coffee mate last week, now my home brewed coffees are smooth like velvet, good compromise.

you know what's really bothering me today? this news of a Buffy movie. If Joss was involved and they were bringing back the original cast i'd be stoked, like, over the flipping moon type stoked. But Joss isn't involved, things i've read indicate they are 're-booting' the original movie, just another lazy sad sack way of making money in Hollywood. Re-make a movie, that's all they ever do any more, doesn't anyone in Hollywood have any original fucking ideas?(i do you fuckers, option my unfinished script already!) they need to bastardize everything that i hold near and dear? just cause vampires are hot? i'm not impressed, and if Joss, Marti, or Jane aren't writing it, and the 'super fan' who is, isn't McCool and I, then I'm not interested either.

Movember please don't leave me!

2010-11-17T14:48:00.000-08:00

not much new these days. monday was the first time i'd seen the sun in well over a week. it was the first time i washed my bed sheets in well over a month, or more. going to the laundry mat was a pain, there was a family hanging out doing about 12 huge bags of washing. i've never had to wait for a dryer before. bummer. but i got some sweet day time pics, it's been a while.

for Remembrance Day karaoke i sang Civil War by Guns N Roses, the DJ guy called it EPIC and some random dood hugged me after. It's a real nice feeling, making people cheer. I finally became a LEGEND of Karaoke at Sneaky Dee's on my second night out. bout damn time. in other news, i've been creepin' on hot doods, checkin out staches all over the place. it's pretty fun objectifying guys based on their facial hair.

it would be better if i was catching rides thou.

vampire days

2010-10-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

i've up all night and sleeping all day, for about a week now. i didn't drink on sunday, and i couldn't sleep. i laid awake for hours, then woke up at dawn and couldn't fall back to sleep. i got out of bed in time to get to Aden Camera right when they should have been open at 9am. i got a coffee and dropped off my one roll of film. This place always tries to tell me to come back in three hours or more when they advertise one hour photo, it's total bullshit, it should not take more then 20minutes to warm up a C-41 machine, come on guys. So i got the lady down to an hour and a half and went to the mall, which wasn't open. thankfully one of the two shops i needed to go to was open, so i didn't have to wonder around killing time for too long. i dragged out my shopping for the full hour and a half, when i got back it still wasn't ready, i don't even think it was started because i waited another 20minutes and i don't get prints or a cd, i get developing only, and ask them not to cut the negatives. so i finally get my film and go to unlock my bike, when i find the douche who locked to the same post, locked through my gear wire. so i try to unscrew the wire with my keys, greasing up my hands, i went into a few shops asking if anyone who works there rides a bike parked on elm. no dice. thankfully Katie walks on by, she was working so i went into the shop, told her where the tools should be and got my wire free, washed my hands, wrote the cock smoker a note on a resume(not mine) and taped it to the seat. katie told me later that the bike was still there when she left in the evening.

and now for the point of this story

if i would have drank on sunday, i wouldn't have gotten out of bed till later, and none of this shit would have happened to me. it was the universe's way of telling me to sleep all day and drink all night, and i'm more then happy to abide.

R.I.P Baby Blue

2010-09-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

some dickless piece of shit destroyed my only means of transportation.
i woke up this morning to find the back end of my bike completely mangled.
it was parked on the inside of the post, the handle bars were twisted yesterday, it must of fallen and some fucktard drove/backed over the rear tire, warping the frame beyond repair. it's a shame really, i felt like Ol' Blue and i were really starting to form a lasting bond. Oh well. I have a free rental from Uncle Jacob, i gave them both busted bikes of mine, Baby B and the one i stole while black out drunk. i got the stolen one fixed up enough to decide i'd die if i tried to ride it any further, so i've got a sweet rental until kate brings me her old bike. score! cause i was really considering spending just over a hundred bucks on the same Schwinn i just lost. thing of it is i never named my bike until after it's death, then i named it after soft core porn.

2010-09-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

i've been spending too much time on teenage girls tumblrs, and looking at pictures of cats in cute costumes.

i've been smoking more weed than i have in a long while and i've started writing lyrics to songs based entirely on buffy and angel episodes. if only i had a piano...and still knew how to play one... then i'd be on to something.

being unemployed is startng to become boring, and also scary. it would be a different story if i still felt like i was a part of something bigger, but sadly i'm not part of anything anymore.

i have all the time in the world now to accomplish something with my life, but it feels like someone has hit the pause button on me. i don't know how i can still be so afraid of failure, since it seems so far it's all i've known.

2010-09-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

i did a couple loads of washing today, it was strange, so many people at the mat at noon on a wednesday, could totally tell the newbie schoolies who have never washed their own clothes before, pretty jokes. on my second trip i had to stop at the lights in front of grossman's where i watched a girl stop, spread her legs, piss through her tights and keep on walking... this is my toronto

let's go to the EX! for tiny tom donuts!

2010-09-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

i went to the EX today. my folks drove in and i met them at the gates. it's been a really long time since i've been to the EX, and i didn't remember it being a jumbo flea market. it just doesn't make much sense to me, to pay money to get into a place where all there is to do is spend more money. if it wasn't for the three cameras i brought with me, and the petting zoo from oshawa, i would have been bored to tears.

unemployed

2010-08-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

"fuck that place anyway."
word.

moving on up...or err...down

2010-08-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

we did it! andrea and i moved downstairs in to a bigger, sweeter apartment.
it was a strange experience just moving down one floor.
i got home from work saturday night, and we cleaned, and we cleaned, and just when we thought we were done, we cleaned some more. the kitchen alone took us three and a half hours of scrubbing, and i'm still not satisfied. after only four hours of sleep, and then freaking out cause my bank card was frauded and funds jacked from my account, my folks showed up to help us out, and thank goodness, i just brought loads down and my mom put things away for me to reorganized later. i must of walked up and down those stairs a couple hundred times in the few days we had to move. the cats did not like the idea, they kept running back upstairs, i don't know what their problem is, you'd think they'd be stoked for more space to lay around in.

2010-08-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

never in my life did i think the day would come that i'd be shopping for gang bang porn and a wu tang shirt,
but that's what i did today.
i also stepped in dog feces.

2010-08-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

i've been trying to walk to work more often.
i'm enjoying it, because i've been taking lots of
pictures!

2010-08-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

frank grimes is finally laying on his back again! and getting up on things! yaah!
my little gimpy is feeling better! i wish i could afford to get him checked out because i still think something's wrong.
poor grimey is so photogenic.

2010-08-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

spitfist played with drunk hussy and mares of thrace at rancho last night.
it was a real sweet show, in a real sweaty venue.
spitfist later returned to my place for post show beers & rockband jams.
pictures!

2010-08-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

went to the island for my birthday
it t.stormed all over us
i havent been that wet in a while
pictures!

birthday blues

2010-08-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

never thought id be here at 28
seems like this is where i should have been when i was 23
life is fuct and im getting old
but what i cant stop thinking about is,
where the smokin hotties be at?

2010-08-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

frank grimes fell and hurt his foot last week
now i'm worried it's his hip
he seems to be ok, but him limpin around breaks my heart
pictures!

2010-08-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

it seems everything falls to pieces on me before they get the chance to be assembled properly

happy haircut

2010-05-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

got a haircut, by a real hair cutting person. he complimented me on my fringe, said my bangs were the best he'd ever seen. cool.

2010-05-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

i've always been fascinated by little potion bottles and different coloured glass.
and who doesn't love a mini corked bottle.

2010-05-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

i love when you don't know things you dream of actually exist and a person happens to come by and says for example 'hey check out these shoes. do you like them?' and these shoes are the epitome of what you've dreamt a perfect shoe might be, and you reply heck yes i do! she proceeds to tell you she has a pair just like them that don't fit, and they're yours if you want them.
she failed to mention it's like slipping on a little piece of heaven every time you wear them.

2010-05-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

i went home for my dad's birthday. my mom unloaded a bunch of old 'gifts' i had given her and my dad growing up. it was just a shoe box full of poorly painted ceramics. thanks mom, you couldn't have thrown this out for me?
for some reason i painted all the little animals with red eyes. weird. oh! and look how smug i look in this grade school picture, it's like i knew i was going to glue it to a block of wood and give it to my dad for father's day.

wrestle fight!

2010-01-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

i hate days where the only part of you that feels hung over is
your asshole.
it's the worst.

2009-12-13T17:32:00.000-08:00

my skin feels like it’s burning off today. I went snorkelling at Coba beach with dad this morning, then laid in the shade read for a bit then napped. I went and ate lunch then went in the pool. I went back to my room to have a cool soak in the tub, but my tail bone hurt so bad i had a cool shower instead. I put ointment on but i still feel like i need to rip my skin off, it’s so itchy. I’m staying in my room until the sun goes down. I’m covered in hives and little patches of gross little blisters, so not attractive. I’m a fucking mess, and SORE. I kinda can’t wait to go home and lay in snow. I want to be able to wear long sleeves so no one can see the mess that is my skin. Oh and i can’t wait to smoke WEED lots and lots of WEED!
When i went snorkelling there was this one little fish hanging out around my feet, swimming in and out and all around, i thought maybe he wanted to eat my dead blister skin of my heels or maybe he thought i was coral cause my legs are so discoloured, either way he was freaking cute. Flipping around lying on his side. It kind of made me worry about the cats, hope they’re not dead and reincarnated in this cute little fish.

2009-12-12T17:16:00.000-08:00

Got my picture taken with a cute little monkey today. I didn’t buy one thou cause i had just gotten out of the pool so i looked like a disgusting mess.
i read, i swam, i walked the length of the beach, played beach volley ball and ate meat off swords.
i also swam through a tropical rain shower and got more gross skin blisters and hives.
Last night i must of been dehydrated, when i went to dinner i thought i was going to puke or shit or pass out or something. I felt alot better after drinking cups of water and eating a little. I felt pretty rough, i didn’t wait around to head back to our resort with everyone else, i went to bed early and watched Spanish TV. I’ve been having strange dreams that i can’t remember.

2009-12-11T17:08:00.000-08:00

Today i had la poubelle we eat garbage stuck in my head, which i guess makes sense seeing as, if i was home today would be band practice day.
i rode a bike around today for an hour which was great fun. I spent the rest of the day at the beach and by the pool. I swam a bunch, both in the pool and the ocean (catching rays, or more like growing hives) i read my Buffy book 3 more times which makes the total 4 now. It’s a choose your own adventure. I finished it the other day after rescuing Angel and defeating the ‘Night Terror’ who is the big bad of the book. Today i got stuck in dream world and contacted Willow who saved me, then I ran into Ethan Raine who had a mummy possessed by the night terror, we vanquished the ‘mare’ and ran Ethan out of town, but then i read it again and got Xander and I eaten by zombies, not fun. I guess i didn’t need to bring another book, since i’m sure i’ll read this one again and see what kind of trouble i’ll get the slayer into.
i’m so hungry right now i can’t wait for dinner.

went to Xel Ha today

2009-12-10T21:31:00.000-08:00

i rode bikes along a crazy hilly path with trees coming out of the cement, i took a lazy river ride, the life jacket i wore reeked like rancid pussy, it was horrible, i couldn’t wear it. I got stuck behind 2 girls and their mom, one of the girls fell out of her tube and started crying. I got around them, thank god, cause talk about annoying. I couldn’t handle how long it was taking me to finish this ‘lazy river’ so i hoped off and swam. I ate 3 times while there and each time it was just a plate of refried beans and nacho chips. Fuck i love beans.

i snorkelled, saw some fish, got freaked out by rocks, wished i had someone to share the experience with. I rode a bike 3 times; i walked across a floating bridge, which makes you feel like your drunk, walking wise. I swam in a Mayan cave; i jumped off a rock cliff and leaped into a rock cavern pool.
I also got my picture taken with a tucan, 2 parrots and an iguana, but of course didn’t purchase any.

I just scored weed off my cousin and his buddy. Fuck maybe that’s why i’ve been so moody and irritable, from withdrawal. I didn’t even think of that, i know yesterday i was day dreaming of drugs, yeah i smoke alot of pot at home.
the guys are going to hang out with broads they met. Is it weird that i haven’t seen anyone i’m attracted to? I mean i saw some hot guys today at Xel Ha but once they opened their mouths they were French or something. I’ve been checking out alot of girls, lots of ass out and side poon, nothing i’m attracted to, maybe envious of, and alot of train wrecks.
And why hasn’t any tram drivers asked me if i want to buy weed? All i get is ‘you here with family? Single girl? Alone?’ with family i reply, and if they push it i lie and say i have a boyfriend back home. I find none of them appealing in the least, if it was a hot Mexican tram driver, different story, but the only hot Mexicans i’ve seen were the dancers in the show, but come on, they’re dancers, obviously gay, and if not, fuck that, as in, i wouldn’t.
Jesus, it seems like everyone is staring at me. I always forget i have a giant sleeve and people judge me, and stare and it’s lame. I’ve only seen maybe a hand full of people with decent tattoos down here, so maybe it’s the tattoos that make people treat me like a side show attraction. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m rather shy and have been told come across as intimidating.
So i’m an intimidating tattooed fatty which makes everyone stay away, and makes poorly tattooed freaks think i’m their best bud. Whatever, all i know is that Mexicans have good taste in women and tattoos.
Ps.
I don’t burn i bust out into hives. I should’ve got a base.

woke up this morning with a sore throat

2009-12-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

my alarm didnt go off so i didnt get a chance to go to the beach early to nap. i dug a bunch of infection out of my throat holes and went to breakfast, met up with the folks and had two coffees and BACON, so far today i've been in a much better mood mustve been the coffee withdrawal as well as the lack of bacon in my system
its one o’clock and im kinda drunk
i could get use to this vacation thing.

we ate at a Mexican restaurant tonight, i could have just eaten at the appetizer buffet, im so full right now, maybe because i ate 3 deep fried donuts filled with cream Omg best thing that has ever been in my mouth good god i love Mexicans.
oh so today i learnt something about Mexicans
1. Mexicans love Guns N Roses
2. Mexicans also love me, drinks at the exclusive bar and 2 buns at dinner, boo yah, perks all round.

also, why doesnt Canada have motion sensor hand towel dispensers and foot flush toilets? best ideas ever.

ate breakfast alone today

2009-12-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

i saw a gang of lizards, they were super cool. 3 took off before i could get my camera out
i walked along the beach, i find it easier to walk in the water then on the sand
i never thought it would be so rocky
there’s this dood racking out the sea weed and junk, he’s doing a great job, but im sure its a job that never ends
i swam in the ocean, more like floated, got up on the sand bag dunes, burnt up my knees in the process, sat and got crashed on by waves
i saw this little gecko, super cute
everyone here looks the same, ive seen 10 or more doppelgangers of my mom, dad, aunt, uncle and cousins. What’s up with that? i guess the same type of people love to vacation. Oh also, complete lack of fashion sense at a resort, i don’t feel like such a tool in these dresses my mom bought, because i just look like everyone else.

not a good traveler

2009-12-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

i get irritable and cranky, i can’t eat much when i fly, but i cant fly without eating, and i cant pop gravel and down red wine around my parents, maybe its just i cant travel with my parents
its the first day and i already have chub rub
its what happens when your thighs rub together when you walk, and the heat doesnt help.

ross is leaving me for the u.s of a

2009-11-24T21:03:00.000-08:00

although i hardly ever see ross snow, it's still good to know he's just around the corner from filmores, but not anymore. i wish ross could stay in the country, it makes my heart sad that he's leaving.

i want a full pizza

2009-11-24T19:44:00.000-08:00

i ate a pizza yesterday and i've got another in the freezer, and all i want to do is eat that pizza to my face. tomorrow. then i won't go to the gym, as per usual. then i'll lay on the couch watching buffy and angel again and again while eating buttery amazing baked goods stacey keeps making, i think just to fatten me up, i believe she is a witch who wants to cook me in a stew. i don't really, but i do.

i'm the worst at blogging.

2009-11-19T17:15:00.000-08:00

things happen every day, and i think, i should blog about this, or at least write it down, maybe work it into a bit one day, but i don't. i need to mix my life up. part of me wants to start going to every comedy show, and or concert, living off nothing but smokes, drugs and booze, preferably purchased by others and not myself, but another, big part of me wants nothing to do with that lifestyle or those scenes. it's like i've gotten to this point where i think if i don't win the lottery i'm never going to live my dreams. i want to be editing video. telling stories. playing. i want to not be in constant pain. i want a sweet desk chair. i want to be able to get the rest of my teeth holes fixed. i want to see a chiropractor at least three times a week. i want a massage. i want to be able to watch season 1 thru 7 of buffy in one day if i so desire, and not feel like i'm wasting my life because of it. i want to travel. i want to be able to go out on weekends, and not have to worry about getting out of control, because i want to get out of control, all the time. i want to be able to buy stupid knic knacs and not worry about rent. i want all these things and more, so i need to start writing again, and more. i worked on my resume the other day, i need to polish my bio then start looking for a 'career'. but what i really want to do is write for tv shows that are no longer on the air.

2009-07-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

This girl i went to high school with was in the shop again today. She’s been in a few times and has had to tell me we went to school together every time, like i remember everyone i went to high school with geez.
So today she decides to tell me i was a bitch in high school. A pretty, fit, bitch who hung out with all the hot bitchy girls, and acted all better then everyone. I was kinda shocked, i only replied with ‘was i?’ when what i really wanted to say was, wow you don’t know me at all.
It’s weird hearing how other people perceive you, especially from so long ago. I always thought i was the middle of the road type, got along with everyone, but hung out with no one. I severed my ties with the ‘popular’ girls before grade nine started. I entered high school with three friends, left with five and now i’m down to one. Growing up i spent most of my time alone in my room writing or drawing, listening to music. I never had a real best friend till grade 9, all previous friendships i'd been the 3rd wheel best friend, so i’ve always felt awkward. Sports on the other hand, that something i was good at. I enjoyed keeping busy as a youngster, and i thought i would make some friends through sports, i never did. I was fit cause i was active. I was pretty cause that’s just the way i am, even though like most girls, i have crippling self imagine issues. As for ‘acting all better then everyone’, well that's just something i've always done, because it’s true.

2009-07-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

You ever dream a dream you never want to wake from? I have, it happens a lot actually. I find myself awake and desperately trying to find myself back to where bliss wasn’t something I dreamed about, but felt and lived.
I had a dream i was hanging out with Slash. We were old friends who hadn’t seen each other in forever. Passion burned between us. We lounged on top of each other on a couch or in the back seat of a car, or both. We talked so much, so deeply, about everything and nothing, kiss talking about stuff i can’t recall. His fingers on my skin, soft and rough, up and down, we kissed while talking, slow and casual, sensual and cool. I rubbed him through jeans. i knew there would be no finish. He pulled my face to his, closer. For a moment we weren’t talking, we were just stopped, frozen in each other. I knew i had to pack, so i left him to gather my things. I made sure i had my awesome grey guns n roses track style sweat shirt. it was the only thing i cared about. i made sure it was packed on top in my gym bag and returned to his side. He took my face in his hands, and bit my lips softly. He breathed into me ‘don’t leave’. His arms wrapped around, pulling me in, and i promised i never would, why would i want to? My eyes opened. Awake. A deep pain filled my heart. Guilt and remorse washed over me. I broke my promise. Would he ever forgive me?
And hot damn i wish i had that sweater!

2009-07-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have my best thoughts while in the shower, but by the time i’m out and dried off most are forgotten.
I’ve had more than one epiphany while in the shower, but those stick with me, always.
There’s this nagging paranoia that is a constant in my life, telling me i need to do something.
I’ve got so many projects on the go
that i never seem to get anything done.
I want to do so much, but mostly i want to sleep.
Sleep and dream.
In my dreams i feel accomplished,
i feel more in control then i do while awake.
I know success in life will take alot of hard work.
To be honest, i think i’m just waiting to luck into it.
I’m not afraid of the work, i’m afraid of the failure.

I kept trying to think of a cool gimmick
for this blog of mine
But i’ve decided this,
it’s just me,
and my thoughts,
and that’s enough.

kimblog here

2009-06-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

here i am, blogging